Behind the scenes of a first time ironman-in-training

10(ish) weeks into my IMCDA training and I've learned a lot. A lot. About watts. Heart rate. Shoes. Nutrition (more calories, all of them). The need for chamois butter or Ruby's Lube. There are things I've learned that are valuable, overwhelming, helpful and handy. But then there's just the reality of being an iron-distance athlete in training.  In no particular order of importance or value... the things I've learned about life in training for IMCDA:

My hair is going to be in a bun 99% of the time. Odds are it's dirty too.

Bun. Always the bun. 

My chin has gotten so dry from swimming that I slather it in Vitamin E oil several times a day. I keep asking my boyfriend if he still loves me even though my face looks like sandpaper.

Goggle lines will last all day. I'm accepting the fact that I will probably still have goggle lines at the Ironman finish line.

Why do I always smirk like this? No goggle lines yet but rest assured they're real.

Oh, and swimming at lunch will SLAY you for the day. I can't hold my eyes open and my second workout feels like 'The Walking Dead'.

Yoga pants are where it's at. I'm not sure my quadzillas will fit into jeans much longer and I just can't bring myself to put them on anyway.

Oh, and taking 'before' pics to see my body's progression? Ouch. Reality.

They might be strong, but they are also insulated.

There is a line of enough caffeine to function, without pushing my heart rate into hummingbird range. It's a very thin line.

All the coffee. All the tea. Tazo Awake tea is my new obsession. 

My sugar cravings are through the roof. I never DON'T want pastries, ice cream, desserts.

I am so hungry that I sometimes dream about food. Like being in a bakery with HUGE cakes to be eaten.

I kind of expected to lose a little weight. I haven't. Actually, I've gained (muscle, right?) weight, but it's not thrilling me. (Do calories from dream food count?)

Looking for a bike isn't SO MUCH FUN YAY! It's stressful, and nauseating, and anxiety inducing. Saying "no, I'll pass, sorry" is painful for me. But I can't just buy all the bikes.

Baby I still love you but I might need to see other bikes. 

Comparing is bullshit. Don't do it. Social media might rock in so many ways, but when it comes to seeing other people's training, it can be really discouraging if you let it.

Bike shoes you've worn for 6 years, without socks, smell awful . Like roadkill. That fell into a porta-potty. On a 90 degree day. In a swamp. Get new shoes.

Plan more food. Or you will just eat like a frat boy, and then feel like a garbage disposal.

Buy more lube. All the lube.

SLEEP! Training is like having a newborn. When your bike sleeps, you sleep. (Or you read Harry Potter til an hour past bedtime, even though you've read it 28190 times, or the Deep Dark anxiously seeing how the Silver Valley tragedy plays out)

Turn off the headphones, the netflix, the stimulus, and just pedal in the zone sometimes.

Mood swings are no joke. I get irritated whenever Jordan blames IM training for my shifty mood. But then he feeds me froyo, and it's all okay. So maybe he has a point.

Running gets sooo slow. And sometimes, slow feels fast. And those days kind of suck. When it feels so fast, and then you realize your concept of fast is completely ass backward.

When your amazing team kit comes from Coeur Sports and you try to think of a cute way to photograph it... it comes out something like this: #makingCoeurproud #nappingundermykit

I'm sorry Kebby and Hailey. I had some cute idea in my head and then I fell asleep mid picture! LOVE THIS KIT!!! It's excellent to nap under too. 

You have to say no to things. Not everything though. But sometimes, it's okay to miss things. People will forgive you in the end. Sometimes you are working out, and sometimes, you just need to rest and relax.

But don't miss everything. Don't let training be the reason you don't get out and do things. Am I the only one who is already so tired that it's hard to be motivated for stuff? Mostly during the week. I can do a lot in a weekend.

hair did, make up did, snacks made, house cleaned, superbowl party!! 

Sometimes it really is a battle between eating that stick of butter, or rubbing it on your dry scaly face after a swim. (hint: neither is a correct choice)

It's still an amazing journey. I love riding, and look forward to every time I can get on the bike. That's new!  I never used to look forward to my trainer. Now I love being on the bike. I feel like apologizing to Jordan on a daily basis when he is sweet and supportive of my rest, tells me to eat more, helps me out, and encourages me. I was a little less patient when he trained-granted our relationship was newer then and I selfishly wanted ALL THE TIME. I may be half asleep on my keyboard around 2:30 pm if I swam at lunch-kills me. But I love it. I. Just. Love. This.

Training update: Midway through base phase

It's become pretty clear to me I probably will not post weekly training recaps. I'm lazy, and blogging weekly about what I have done-after uploading it to Strava, updating Training Peaks, updating my spreadsheet and dissecting it with my village (coach, boyfriend, friends) it's just another place to track information and to be honest, I just don't want to.

That, and comparison is the thief of joy. I follow a few people on Strava who are also training, and some of it inspires me, and some of it makes me feel woefully behind... really? already? I'm a mere 6-7 weeks through training, I shouldn't be feeling inferior already.  And because I don't want someone else to look at my training week and judge it one way or the other (or more unlikely, compare themselves to me.)

That said, weekly recaps aren't going to be a part of my Ironman journey. If anyone is just twitching with curiosity, you can find me on Strava and it's all there. Weekly over consumption of calories? That will be a part of it. I plan to just summarize progress and developments in each discipline (plus whatever else I feel is completely irrelevant).

Swim:

Most of my swims are still at masters swim, although over Christmas break, I did a few on my own. I've been working on my rotation after the coach of masters had pointed out that I swim flat. I've asked her since, and she says it looks better, so that's something! I am also focusing on my pull through the water. I am feeling a lot stronger in the water now. Thursday we did a workout including 4x25 yard swims with 5 seconds rest at each wall. The coach gave us our total time including rests, from which we subtracted 15 seconds and attempted to hit the new time in a 100 timed swim. When I hit the wall with a 2:03 and had to aim for a 1:48 swim, I was petrified. I've swum under 2:00 for 100/yd a handful of times in the pool, and not easily. I was stunned to finish with a 1:47, and on the next go-round, improved to a 1:46. This was huge for me! The 200 yard swim next was not as well paced. However, I feel more confident in my swim and super excited that a goal that seemed completely out of my reach was possible.

Bike:

I'm getting more comfortable on the trainer! Now, I don't get agitated when it's only been 8 minutes, and I have another however many minutes to go and get me off this thing right this minute not Netflix not music nothing can distract me from this misery except concocting run on sentences obviously. I can settle in and get through a ride of varying lengths without much impatience. Sort of like when you adapt to a treadmill. Eventually, it's less awful and just necessity. I'm still not sure I have it set up right though. This is my biggest (hopefully irrational) fear: that I will not do proper training on the trainer and get outside only able to ride 10mph. Speed is a useless tool on the trainer, really, and mine is all over the map. My boyfriend noted I had the flywheel pressed too hard against my rear tire, and changed it. It improved my riding, but also made the speed faster. From my experience, everyone says their speed is slower on the trainer, so having mine read faster was also unnerving (I know. I'm seriously crazy). I try to focus on cadence and heart rate, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little (a lot) concerned with this.

Keeping it real out of the pain cave. Can a girl medal in sweating? 

My workouts have been great and when I get off the bike with tired legs, I figure that counts for something. A friend is planning to let me use his power meter for a little while, so hopefully that will either affirm I am doing it right, or get me on the right track. I have been loving the workouts I get to do on the bike since the run is still mostly aerobic. I miss the satisfaction that comes with pushing yourself hard and nailing a tougher workout. I've definitely discovered the pain cave. I've ended intervals feeling like my legs literally cannot spin one more revolution and I'm not attached to them anymore. I have to grit my teeth, shut my eyes and just hang on for dear life. It's awesome!!!

Run:

Oh the run. The bane of my training for the first few weeks is coming around. I've always been a runner and in my experience, it was always about pursuing pace/distance. But pace. Pace was/is always on our minds. It's been such a huge shift to focus on a sustainable ironman run rather than my continual pursuit of 'faster and faster'. Especially when it comes to comparison. I am doing exactly what I should be, and I trust the process and the build up that I am working on. However, it's a little unnerving when other athletes training for the same race are doing much longer runs at this point. I know I am doing what I should be, but it gets in my head. That said... I've had some huge breakthroughs in my run. I'm working harder on controlling the variables that impact HR-namely, alcohol... after a mimosa laden New Year's Day, I had to slog along in frustration the next day with a high HR and slooooooooow pace.

Snowy run after a day of mimosas = Monica having an internal foot stomping watch throwing tantrum cursing MAF

 Lesson learned. I've focused more on hydration and limited my caffeine consumption a little more. My afternoon runs last week were amazing. I got to run paces I hadn't run since starting this MAF/HR zone training journey. Even my easy recovery runs are getting a little faster while sustaining a lower heart rate. There are still ups and downs to it, but it was so exciting for me to finally feel a little more like a runner than a shuffle jogger. Yesterday's long run was a little more flexible in my zones, and I allowed my rate to creep up more. Overall I still finished with a very good average heart rate, but it was nice to feel the burn of pushing just a little more. I am trying to respect the importance of building the aerobic base for ironman, while still balancing that zen feeling of running in the zone a little more.


Heart Rate:

As mentioned in the run, it's starting to pay off a little more. I remind myself constantly that I am building an aerobic machine. Especially in running. These are continually slower paces than I am used to running yet I KNOW that I am running smart for my training. The chances of sustaining this effort at Ironman is much higher than my chances of sustaining low 8 pace, for instance, no matter how bad I want to just go run like I used to. If I can create this aerobic capacity, it will pay off. I am trusting the process that I will be able to sustain a solid run if I train at the proper heart rate and effort.

Coffeeeee I love you stop making my heart beat so fast! Only the boyfriend should cause that!

Food:

ALL OF IT! I feel like I shouldn't be as hungry as I am yet, again, because I look at it like running. "I barely ran X miles today, WHY do I want to cover the couch in butter and eat it?". Just me? Anyone else? I woke up several times last night because I went to bed hungry. Trying to balance eating enough calories without overeating because I think I can have whatever I want. It's a fine line. Fortunately, I've got a boyfriend who did ironman last year and is constantly telling me to eat more (that's the dream, right ladies?!). By the time he got to the start line, he was much lighter than he probably SHOULD have been, and he's encouraging me not to do that. I may be the first athlete to toe the line without losing a pound. Not that weight loss is the goal here.

All in all...

So far so good! I'm working on writing up my 2015 goals and intentions. Training is going great, I am happy and just tired enough. I am testing out working with my ironmentor as a coach as well now. I have my trusty little book plan, but I also trust that she knows what she's doing given how HAPPY her ironman experiences have been in the past. As that progresses I'll share more of the changes from my book to her strategies. Heart rate training is still my beast to contend with, but the plan should involve MORE RUNNING YAY! And just lots of happy training and pushing my limits. Which is already happening (hello bike pain cave). All in all, it's a pretty awesome journey so far. Now if I could just decide what pair of Coeur shorts I want to purchase with my gift card (fleet foxes? Blue Checkmate?)... you know, the big decisions for training.

Get in there. Stay in there. Do all the sleeping. (Really this was just to show my mom I'd put my new sheets on the bed. Thanks mom!)

2014

I started a 'Year in Review' type post attempting to recap the highlights of each month and got to June before I realized there was just TOO MUCH some months, and nothing other months, and I just didn't want to finish the task at hand.

So I changed my mind. No surprise there! 2014 was an awesome year. I wasn't great at taking pictures that will help my blog, but I do have pictures of a bunch of stuff I won't blog about (including, but not limited to 289180 pictures of my boyfriend becoming an Ironman, lemurs at the zoo, screen caps of text convos, and nasty sweaty selfies that nobody wants to see!)

2014 was the year I PR-ed the half marathon, finally! Not by as much as I wanted but a PR is a PR and it was hard fought. I raced without a watch, and it was as much a mental victory as anything else.

This is obviously not me actually running said race, but beforehand, with the boyfriend, who also PR-ed!

2014 was the year I won a 5k!

2014 was the year I had a BLAST racing the CDA Scenic Sprint triathlon!

2014 was the year I signed up for my first Ironman! CDA 2015!

2014 was the year we moved from North Spokane to Liberty Lake after 5+ years out there. Eastward bound!

2014 was NOT the year I met my boyfriend. But that was late December 2013 and we got to go through a lot of great experiences in this whole first year. I'll take more years with him please. 

If a man can rock a sweater vest, you keep him around. 

2014 was the year I saw everyone else train hard and race! I saw my sister run huge PRs in pretty much every race she toed the line in. My mom ran her first half marathon at 58 years old. Ben did a few triathlons and PR-ed the mile! Jordan became an ironman and kicked ass at many other races. The families that race together...

Cousins tri together

Mom the half marathoner!

Oh hey, just getting 3rd place like NBD

2014 was the year I found out I'll be a COEUR SPORTS ambassador for 2015!! I spent 2+ months anxiously waiting after submitting my application to hear the announcement and I think I had an actual joy attack (this is like a panic attack, but of excitement!) to Erin when the announcement came down. Following her is how I found Coeur to begin with (not to mention a fabulous friend and mentor in Erin herself). I swear their apparel has magical powers of feeling strong, fast, and let's face it, pretty. Because that matters (don't pretend it doesn't). When you 'feel fast' you race strong! I am so proud and honored to get the chance to be a part of an amazing team and represent company for 2015. Making the team was a huge highlight of my year.

Best. Hoodie. Ever. 

Coeur Chevron kit!! And bucket sized hat.

I can't scientifically prove that wearing my Coeur kit caused this AG win but... I'm not a scientist so it was totally the kit! 

2014 was the year that challenged me. It had highs and lows. But neither was especially high or low. It was a smooth year. There were amazing moments and memories I love. There were times I had to learn how to handle things differently than I used to, and grow more. 

It was a really good year.

Byeeeee 2014

But then, 2015 is the year they put 'Friends' on Netflix. So it's hard to beat that! 

The jumping off point: Not really a training recap

The first week of my official training plan for IMCDA is behind me! The workouts were short and manageable (I'm being lured into a false sense of 'I can handle this!'.) but the week itself was kind of a mess. This post will be kind of a mishmash of what's going on the first week of training, and a brief mention of the actual workouts. I haven't really decided how much detail I want to provide in my recaps of training.

Training this week kicked off with a rest day Monday!! My training weeks are written Mon-Sun and I liked having a rest day. At first I felt a little lame beginning my training with a big fat 0 in the training spreadsheet, and I had considered a short run because this week's workouts, as I said, were short, so rearranging, or throwing in a 20 min run wouldn't have been a huge issue. I ended up having a ton of errands to handle though (including taking my car for emissions and renewing my horribly overdue tabs. Whoops?!) so the rest day stood.

The plan. The food. 

As far as swimming goes, I haven't been in the water since August for my sprint tri, and only about 2-3 swims before that-none longer than about a half mile of swimming. My first lunch swim this week was ROUGH. My shoulders were burning before I made 100 yards, and my splits on my watch weren't exactly promising. I kept reminding myself "what if this was your first run in 4-5 months? what if you had only run 3-4x this year?" which helped me keep my focus in check. That is why the road to ironman is so long. I wish I had been swimming sooner, but it's okay that I wasn't.

The second swim of the week was at Master's swim! That was intimidating as all get out. I emailed the coach beforehand to ask her/reveal my skill level and make sure I wouldn't be a hindrance to the class. She reassured me I would fit right in, so I showed up, nerves and all. There were only a handful of women there, since most athletes are still slowly coming back from off season. This allowed me some extra 1:1 time with the coach though, which I greatly appreciated. She told me she didn't see any major issues with my stroke, and it actually looked "really good" and that she had been under the impression my swim would be a lot worse than it actually was. Turns out though, that I swim flat, and need to work on body rotation. I started working on this and whoa wake up call! It feels so exaggerated and awkward to rotate enough for her to say "that looks right".

On to #bikelove! Since summer, I have been increasing my rides, and simply spending more time in the saddle than ever before. My bike, which is named Baby, as in "Nobody puts Baby in the corner" because she spent a lot of time in corners, has seen more of my butt than in the last 5 years combined. I've LOVED my bike time, other than the saddle! I was battling some numbness this summer when my ironman boyfriend set me up for a bike fit at the shop he goes to. That included testing a couple different saddles, and finally deciding to try the Cobb V Flow Plus. We took our bikes out the next day to ride a portion of the IMCDA course, and by the last 8 or so miles, I was almost in tears from the pain of the saddle. I was miserable for the next few days, we pulled the saddle and tried another, with no luck. Then I tried his saddle with no split in it, and it was worse. I went back to my stock Scott Contessa saddle and it was okay, but I was sitting pretty far back on the seat, and not using my legs and booty to power myself enough (in my opinion, I'm no expert). After chatting with my ironyoda, I went back to the shop and asked to try the Cobb JOF 55. I was prepared to give it a few weeks, and not assess based on one ride. I bought chamois butter and feared the worst for my lady bits. But, I am in love. This saddle is amazing for me!! I definitely have some residual soreness from adjusting to new pressure points, but I am much more forward 'Off the Front' as the saddle promises, and I don't find myself adjusting repeatedly. I have made an effort to sit up and back on the saddle as well since duh, IMCDA boasts some climbing that will require that position as well. Between the saddle and my undying love of Coeur's seamless chamois, I'm a happy camper!

I used a video to check my form and saddle position! And #noangrykitty

Running of course, is my comfort zone. I'm working on adjusting to heart rate training though. *Cough Cough* I'm choking on all the pride I have to swallow to accept the paces I'm running. For now, I am utilizing the MAF 180 formula for my numbers. I keep reminding myself I don't have to be fast right now... and that if I could maintain the pace I'm running now at Ironman, it would be a dream. But, it's also within the realm of possibility. I'm not training at a pace that would be completely out of reach on a perfect race day. That is how I stay patient.

The only messy part was that, in typical Monica form, I fell down the stairs! Thursday morning I was (slowly, cautiously) carrying my cereal and coffee down the stairs and I slipped, landed hard on my back, hit my head AND spilled everything all over the new carpet. Fortunately it wasn't as bad as summer's fall, but still did some damage to my ragdoll neck. Fortunately, I still got in all the workouts without hindrance, but what a way to start!

 My recaps will probably change format without so much 'background' needed (did anybody need it anyway??) but this first week totaled 6 hours of training and a few doubles.

I am ALREADY so grateful for the mentors and role models I have, both close and far, who are going to be seriously invaluable to this journey.

And away we go!

Thoughts on the Hanson Marathon Method

A lot of my running happened before I started blogging. My two best marathons (okay, ALL my marathons) were run without training recaps!

If an 18-week marathon cycle is run, and never recapped did it really happen? Yes! Any time someone on Twitter (or anywhere) mentions choosing a training cycle, or the Hanson Marathon Method comes up in the conversation, I jump right on it. I am a strong believer in their training method and philosophy. But, sadly, I wasn't a blogger for the two races I have used their training plan. The best thing I can do now is attempt to recap and review my experiences (and answer ALL the questions!)

The first time I decided to use their method was after reading New Year New You: Way of the Renegades  in Runner's World. In January of 2011. I was intrigued, but a marathon wasn't on my agenda. At that point running was barely on my agenda. I had run the Portland Marathon in 2010 and had only run a handful of times since. I saved the article and the plan anyway. I slowly started getting back into shape around March, "raced" a 12k in early May and then jumped into a 6 week quick ramp up to a half marathon. I was training with my sister for her first half, and we had the goal of finishing, nothing else. We ran our half marathon in mid-June and she began toying with a full. We discussed Tri-Cities (a small race a few hours from home in late October). I hadn't intended to run another full, but not so shockingly, the marathon sucked me in anyway. My sister and I both decided to use the article and included training plan. 

For that first training cycle, I used the article. I didn't read their book. Our paces were loosely determined at first. We had no idea what our 10k pace should be and we aimed for simply "sub-8 min pace" in our early workouts. She was training for a 4 hour finish, and I was hoping to run a 3:45. My sister followed the plan strictly. In the interest of full disclosure, I did not necessarily do so. I joined a local women's running team midway through training.  At this time, instead of following the Hanson's Tuesday speed workouts, I replaced them with the workouts of the group. I also made some variations to the Saturday workouts, occasionally participating in the 'Swifts' workouts instead of simply running easy mileage. Usually this included things like 10 x 1 min pick-ups. I did match the mileage the rest of the time. And the most important part: I abided by the 16 mile long run and did not run further. One 16 mile training run was actually a 25k trail race. On a mountain. That I ended up walking/hiking a large majority of. My paces this training cycle were a little more willy-nilly. I stuck with the goal marathon pace (around 8:25) for Thursday's runs but on occasion, my other runs would be faster. It was all over the map at times. Running with the team had caused me to progress a lot more than I had expected. 

Long story short there, I raced my unicorn race. It was perfection. I ran a 1-minute negative split which to me is about as good as it gets. I exceeded my pre-race goal of 3:45 and finished in 3:35.22 feeling strong the whole way, no wall to speak of. My sister also executed a great race, finishing in 3:47 with about a 5 minute negative split.

In 2013 I raced the Eugene marathon with the same plan, based off the book. I followed the advanced plan as it was my 4th marathon. I read it cover to cover more than once, trying to beat into my brain their philosophy on the easy days. I would say I followed it with 97% accuracy. I raced a half marathon about 8 weeks out from Eugene but continued with the plan as written before and after.  I missed/altered a few runs due to aches and pains or sickness. As my throwback recap explains, my taper week was a disaster. All things considered, I executed a pretty solid race despite the setbacks, finishing in 3:37.05.

What I love about this plan:

-The overall mileage. A lot of marathoners, especially newer marathoners run less mileage than this plan will have. For some that works. I learned I thrive on higher mileage. The first time around I peaked around 57 miles in a week. The second time, I hit a 63 mile peak week. I felt amazing. Once I broke that 50 mile barrier I felt stronger than before. For me, the volume was a huge game changer.

-The easy days. I didn't take these as easy as I should have, but I was conscious of my efforts on those days. I was proud of my slower days, knowing there would be another hard workout to push myself. I diligently focused on keeping a pace at least 30 seconds/mile slower than goal pace and paid attention to my perceived effort. I was coached personally in my most recent marathon instead of following HMM again, and there was a lack of proper easy days. I paid the price for pushing hard too much. The easy runs MATTER!!

-Marathon paced tempo. These are a weekly run, beginning with 6 miles and increasing to 10 miles by the end. I ran the same route every time that I felt simulated the Eugene course. I struggled with watch stalking on these, shooting for a 7:58-8:02 range and was all over the place mentally. Eventually I allowed a faster pace (7:51-52) which felt natural, and I could click off mile after mile without adjustment. While I didn't run my race at this pace, I felt that the effort I put into the runs matched what they had written, and saved me from the frustration of trying to keep a pace.

-Speed/strength days. Goes without saying, I love me some speed work. The longer strength intervals were fun too! The paces were a step back from what I was used to running with my group (aiming for more of a half marathon or 10 seconds slower than marathon pace, whereas I was used to 10k paced long intervals). My mantra for all of these days was 'control'. It was too easy to want to push. An interval begs to be pushed, to see what you can do with it. I had set paces that I KNEW I could nail and control was the word to keep me checked in.

-That 16 mile long run. This is the one thing that turns a lot of athletes away from the plan. "What? Only 16? But... but... the marathon is 10 (!!) miles longer than that! How?!". My sister using the plan as a first time marathoner speaks to this. 16 is enough. If you read the book they detail the reasons why a long run should only be 25-30% of your weekly volume, not 50%. I have trained with a 20 mile plan, so I can compare them, and this was effective.

Overall, this plan boosted my confidence so much. Even with the shorter 16 mile long run, knowing I had run a 63 mile week (including a 14 mi Thursday with the tempo plus warm up and cooldown). I was willing to run longer cooldowns to increase my mileage, and more importantly, I had the strength after the workout to do so. I wasn't shuffling through a half mile cool down just to get it done.

I would highly recommend the Hanson Marathon Method to ANYONE! I am also happy to answer questions more in depth about my experience and training with it!

Happy Racing!

It's okay.

Do you ever feel like you need to sit yourself down with a cup of coffee, and talk to yourself like you are a friend? Does that make me sound crazy? I'm hard on myself. A lot. I've been reading (slowly, and still with flawed absorption) Daring Greatly by the wicked smart and sassy Brene Brown. Side note: read this book. Then read it again. Take notes. Watch her TED talks. She's so smart, and so spot on. What I've picked up from this book (besides EVERYTHING) is that I am HARD on myself. If I talked to my friends, my loved ones, the way I talk to myself... I wouldn't want to talk to me.

So I have my cup of coffee. And the things I would say to myself if I was talking to a beloved friend.

It's okay. I know it's hard, I know sometimes you feel inferior, incapable and lost. You feel like you can't juggle all the balls in the air above you... and it's okay. You are doing the best that you can. You know that, right? You are doing your best. Maybe it doesn't feel like it today, maybe it feels like a hot mess, but you are doing it. You can do it. You got this.

You are a good mom. A GREAT mom even. Sure, you don't always do it perfectly. Sometimes you snap. Sometimes your words are harsh, and his little face falls in pain. That feeling when it happens SUCKS. But you don't have to be perfect. Find the words that make his face light up. Don't worry, you aren't damaging him permanently because you were a little bit 'mean mommy' about him picking up the things on the floor, or putting his bowl in the dishwasher after you asked 5x. He needs to listen. You can speak a little kinder next time, and you can hug him now, every day, all the time, and tell him you love him, but that you need him to listen to you. You are a good mom. It's okay to misstep sometimes. It's okay that you aren't perfect, nobody is.

You did this. You are raising a great son.

It's okay not to know what you are doing with life. To have 28190 ideas of what you want to be when you grow up, not pursue any of those ideas, change your mind constantly, and never stop dreaming. Sure, you're 31, and most people have college degrees by now. Some have multiple degrees. You don't have to know. You do you. You are making a living, and you are chasing the goals you have outside of the job world. You don't have to be ambitious with a career. It's okay to be better at running a household than running a bank. And it's definitely okay to want that. If you want to sweep kitchens, cook dinners, grocery shop, do the laundry, and run a house, it's okay! You don't HAVE to climb a corporate ladder. If you want to climb though, then do it! Find the job, the path, and GO! But if you don't? It's okay. It doesn't make you less of a 'modern woman' to accept your gifts for what they are.

"Were you working? Eh."

You have to be selfish. Selfish is such a harsh word though. It's all negative, and implies greed. You have to choose you sometimes. Do you want to wind up on 'The Biggest Loser' as the contestant who put everyone else first and ate her feelings? You do that anyway, so go for the run. Fitness isn't selfish. Yes, you lose some time with Ben, but the mom he gets back is way better than the mom who never went for a run. Yes, Ironman is going to be a CHALLENGE as a single mom but you can do it. It's awesome for Ben to see you dream big, and chase big goals. It teaches him early that you can do whatever you want. That dreaming big crazy out of reach dreams is not only possible, but AWESOME! It will show him that he can do it too. He can be whatever he wants to be, do whatever he wants to do. That is an important lesson to teach.

Chase your dreams, and he'll chase his.

You ARE enough. Even as imperfect as you are. Yes, you mess up. A lot sometimes. But you are still enough. You don't have to be like someone else. It's okay that you cry over stupid things. That you cry a lot. It's just who you are. It doesn't mean you're weak, it's just you. It's okay to let things get to you. It's okay to feel it all. Sure, there are other people who handle life differently. There are pros and cons to both, but this is who you are. Don't try to smother it, or be someone else. Be you. You. Are. Enough. I can't tell you that enough times. You are enough. As you are. You will change, and learn, and grow. Someday the things that made you cry won't. Someday, new things will make you cry. But it is okay to feel so much. It's good. It's a victory to be soft and caring in a world that would tell you not to be.

Stop waiting for the day you suddenly change and become the woman who has adorable fashion like all the pinterest models. Your yoga pants are fine! Sure, you always think someday you'll suddenly have perfect outfits, a perfectly decorated home, a nice clean car and look all chic. You probably won't. Let's just accept that and move on. It's okay if this is your normal. It's okay if it never looks like something else. It's okay that you rarely do makeup or hair. It's okay to just be the woman you are, because you're still beautiful, and there are people who see you clearer than you see yourself.

You want to wear this every day? Do it! Undecorated house? Who cares.

Love. Love with everything you have. Never let your cynical side trump your optimism. Be who you want to be.  People love you for exactly who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly and the crazy. You don't have to have everything perfect. I know you thought by now you'd have it together. The picture probably looked different than it turned out, but you know you have a great life? You really do. Don't worry so much about letting people down, or disappointing them. It's your life, you answer for it. We all make mistakes. It's okay that sometimes yours are more visible. And you know what? In the end, they aren't remembered as a mistake. They are the things that make you who you are. Nobody is looking at Ben now and thinking "she made a mistake when she was 21". They are thinking "this kid is awesome, and so cool to have in our lives". Don't beat yourself up over the things that have happened. So you said the wrong thing. So you miscommunicated. So you overreacted. It happens, and it'll happen again. Roll with it and keep going.

Just keep going. You are enough. It's okay. It sounds like a bundle of cliched mantras... but it's the simple little words that matter the most. I love you, you're beautiful, you're amazing, and you're strong. You are a badass. Keep going. Don't worry so much. You are enough.

Portland 2010

I have spent a good amount of time wondering how to write what I want to write, or even if I should. I think "this is not my story to tell" and telling it makes it feel like a blatant request for sympathy. It is not that. And while I can say it's not my story, a part of it is my story, and always will be.

Four years ago I was training for the Portland Marathon. It would be my second marathon, and my goals had progressed from simply to train and PR from my 4:41 to bigger goals. I registered with a 4:15 goal. I set a sub-4 goal as I began training, and eventually the stretch goal to BQ (at the time 3:40.59). Training went so well, and I felt pretty confident in my goals. I PR-ed the half with a 1:45 a month out from Portland, and I was ready.

The Monday before the race, I got a text that set the rest of the week onto a path I couldn't have foreseen. I could have handled that week differently than I did, perhaps. But I don't think I would have. For everything I can remember with painful clarity, I don't remember the exact words of that message. But it told me something was wrong with my dear friend's son. This friend I had met a few years before. We were both single parents to little boys, and I babysat his little one from time to time when he needed it. We connected simply due to our circumstances and lives. We dated off and on, somewhat hindered by baggage we each had.

I could relive all the details of that week, but I won't. The situation itself is a matter of public record. While there was a lot of confusion at the beginning, the truth came out that the babysitter of little C had pushed him down in frustration, and he had hit his head. It caused bleeding in his brain and he was immediately unconscious. It was the kind of nightmare that you see in a Law and Order: SVU episode. You don't see it happen to people you love. Little C, who I had seen 2 days before at a softball game chasing Ben around getting into mischief, was in trouble.

What followed was spending almost every hour I could at the hospital, staying by his dad's side. I could have visited once or twice, I could have told him I was so sorry, offered to help and be there a bit. But that's not me. It seemed like the right thing to do, the right place to be. My mom cautioned me not to throw away my training in the last week, which was mostly coffee, occasional snacks, a few short runs, a few hours of sleep and constant care of others. She might have been right, but I did what I did. I stayed late into the night. I brought coffees or milkshakes to people. I sat and held my friend's hand, and listened to so much information that I can't imagine hearing as a parent. I shared the grief. I tried so hard to shoulder as much of the burden as I could. I sped back to the hospital one night, doing 90 past a cop who somehow exited the freeway without pursuing me when it came time to say goodbye. I saw the last rites. I held this precious boy's hand and stroked his hair and tickled his feet and said my goodbye. And I walked out of the hospital Friday evening next to a parent who was doing the most impossible thing I can imagine: letting go of a child. It was some of the heaviest grief I have ever witnessed or felt.

Every year, I still feel it. Every October I remember the dates of that first notification, that last night we left the hospital, and everything in between. I boarded a plane the next morning and flew to Seattle then drove to Portland for my marathon. I was in a fog. I couldn't not think about it. I woke up Saturday with a cold (no surprise, given how little I'd taken care of myself) and with that time of the month. I was exhausted, sick, and facing a marathon. A race I had worked so hard for, and that now felt like a mountain to climb. This was 2010, so anyone who ran Portland that year knows. It was the rainy year. I learned that day just how much 26.2 miles of grieving and weird joy can feel. C was free, at least. The waiting of the last week was over. There was finality, instead of questions. I ran for Cohen. I wrote those words on my arm in magic marker and I ran for him, and for all the pain and emotion of that last week. I thought of him as I ran past the train yards. I talked to him about the trains. I cried in the later miles of the marathon. From the sheer physical pain of the task at hand, from the joy of running a marathon, from grief, from release. I cried when I crossed that finish line cold, wet and alone.

I came home from that race feeling a sense of peace. I had had time (3 hours and 56 minutes) truly alone with my thoughts and feelings. I was ready to be strong for his dad, to hold his hand and support him as best I could through the next week. Through the storm of emotion, and information, and decisions. Through the candlelight vigil, the funeral mass, the fundraiser. Through the weeks and months that followed. Eventually, I was no longer strong enough to bear the weight. We made the decision to part ways, and after that, I chose not to attend the sentencing of the babysitter. I chose distance, and let that be the way to move forward. I haven't seen or spoken to the majority of the people I came to love since then. I am far removed from the people, but not from this time of year.

Every October, it weighs on me. I remember it. Small details, insignificant seeming moments that were the end of a life cut tragically short. Death is hard. It is always hard, and truly, I think it is no easier to look at a life fully lived and think it's less painful than one cut so short. Watching my little man grow I remember the age C would have been. I think of the moments his family doesn't get to share with him. This is the sort of sadness I won't forget any time soon. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I am no longer connected with everyone who went through it that I should not feel so much anymore. But that's not true, and I know that. That I remember this little boy every year, on more days than not keeps his memory alive. It is easier to remember, even if that hurts, than to forget.